Next step in life?
While I have never really been ambitious or had any clear goals, think now is probably a record low for my level of motivation. I guess I have always taken the safe route in life. Simply followed the mainstream path from sec school to JC to uni, then when graduation comes, it made sense that the next step is getting a stable secure job and I did. Only to be unhappy at work and furiously jealous of all my friends who were able to go to Japan. So envious and jealous that I literally teared while reading their blogs and really wished I could be there too.Yet, all that while, there was something to work towards. The next stage. Or trying something new. Or going overseas. Something.
Finally, after all that yearning, I did manage to go to Japan. Despite all the unfavourable conditions and all the ups and downs, it was a dream-come-true and an experience of a lifetime. But as the saying goes, good things never last. Back in Singapore, I'm somewhat surprised, or maybe just disappointed, that I don't feel more fulfilled or accomplished. Instead, I find myself asking myself, "So, what's next?"
Sure, I should get a job and 'start planning for my future.' As the eldest child in the family, it's high time I start sharing the burden of the family. As a grown-up woman, it's time I start acting like the independent young adult I should and want to be.
But for the first time in my life, I am totally lost. No strong desire or motivation whatsoever. Not even living in Japan excites me as much as it used to. Or maybe I'm just being plain lazy and wilful. But for a while, all I wanna do is simply hibernate. All I want is to retreat into my own little world and watch the rest of the world quietly pass me by. Just me and myself. Peace. Hope this doesn't sound psycho. haa..
While I'm definitely slowly getting out of my reclusive mood (I am supposed to start my new job in just more than a week's time), I'm afraid I'm only emerging with half the heart and strength I wish I have. While an overseas trip still appeals to me, somehow I seem to have lost that drive that powered me to embark on an unstable stint around this time last year. While I probably won't feel like a fuller person even if I do recover that drive, I do want to look forward to new experiences, new phases, and to life in general.
Come to think of it. Maybe what I need to work on is to be content with and appreciate what I have. Or as my sec school Chemistry teacher Miss Goh used to say, count your blessings.
posted by weiling @ 1:55 AM
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